Emotional wreck....

So lets play catch up I went to the doctor in January

Dr. Collantes in Columbia he seems legit

anyways he subscribed me Lexapro 10 mg for my depression and anxiety(the reason I was going to the doc) well I took it for a couple wks I was still depressed and crying all the time so he up me to 20 mg still didn't work so then he put me on wellbutrin don't know what the mg was...still nothing so now he has me on wellbutrin xl 300 mg well im still crying and depressed all the time while in the mean time I have been seeing a therapist...but its hard to explain to her why I am depressed I have told her some things but some stuff I dk how to say I guess...The anxiety part of the pill is def. helping just isn't helping my depression!

 

Reasons why I am depressed

I feel as if my mother has never really been there for me and im not talking about materialistic things just emotionally and physically shes always cared more about herself and who she was with at the time and has always put them first.. of coarse If you ask her that's not true.. Ive never really been able to talk to my mom, yes I pretty much tell her everything but she always blows it off ..but yeah I am trying to be here for her as much as I can and doing so and what she is going through at the moment is making me more depressed...she has not been to work since the second wk of Jan. she had a nervous break down and has been seeing a therapist and was in out patient therapy at the hospital the and has been diagnose with ptsd(post traumatic stress disorder ) all of these is caused because of her boss... she is supposted to be getting short term disability but dk whats going to happen there because he has fired her which he cant do because she is on medical....so therefore she doesn't have any kind of income coming in besides the money that she gets from my sisters dad for child support and The little money that her fiancée gives her...if I could held her I would but I am broke as hell trying to pay my own bills and still having to borrow money from her and my gma to get gas a ciggs so yeah that's another reason why im depressed because im so broke...

next reason why I am depressed which I believe that I have mentioned in another post im ready for kids im and I feel like in the next five years or so I should be having kids...im not in a relationship with anyone or having sex and don't know if I ever will be or if I even want to be....somedays I do and somedays I don't I dk a sperm donor would be just fine lol and I know that right now isn't the right time because Im not where I need to be financially but when is the right time?

I mean I dk if I will ever be financially stable I mean is anyone?

Why do I wait so long to blog again I dk!

So I dk why I wait so long to post I guess I have to be in the mood! I dk maybe if I had more followers I would post more who knows...anywho life has actually been pretty good latley! No love life but that's okay...it will happen one day(I hope =\) so everything with me is okay my mom is having a hard time right now so I'm trying to be here for her as much as I can and do my best....

So I know Ive said this a million times but starting next week I'm going to start eating healthier and doing some exercise I have to lose weight its horrible!

I've also decided that I'm not going to let people walk all over me and treat me like crap... I'm a very caring person and try to do whatever I can for people especially my friends but Am no longer going to put up with peoples bs I don't need people like that in my life and apparently you don't want Me in yours other wise you wouldn't say and act the way you do!  You lose some and win some! :)  and I must say it actually feels good not having you in my life its quite a relief =\

I have a doctor appointment next week hopefully I can get some meds and kick this depression and anxiety to the curb well I'm sure it won't ever go away but it will help! 

Well I'm going to end it hear back to work I go hopefully I find and receive some more followers.... I'm going to start trying to blog more! 

Peace and chicken grease ♡

It's been awhile

Okay so its been awhile since I  have blogged... or expressed my feelings!

So I have been an emotional wreck which isn't anything new (god I really need to go get on some meds) so I'm 25 and I feel like my life isn't going anywhere I mean I still live at home I'm single I don't have any kids which is one of the main reasons why I have been depressed I feel like its never going to happen..... I want a baby these past couple months everyone is having baby's and its sad because I want one bad... crazy hearing myself say that...I dk know If I can even have baby's there could have been many times I could have been pregnant not that I have sex on the regular but still ugh its kinda frustrating... and no I'm not trying to get pregnant but if it happens it happens but then again I need to find a bf and have sex on a regular bases lol

Another thing that I just got upset about was I text my best friend during the week and asked her what she was doing this weekend she said nothing planned so I mentioned to her about going out tomorrow which is Saturday night because I knew she had to be  at work Saturday morning (last time we went out she was late for work so didn't think she's would do that again)and she said maybe so I thought okay maybe she's not wanting to go out  nothing else was ever said about it so then tonight I talk to her and she says that Amy and Britt. Call her and ask her to come out with them but didn't know if she wanted to go so a few hrs go by I ask her if she's going out she says no not out but to her brothers later so were talking and I'm saying how I'm bored and thanks for the invite hinting around to her asking me to go with her so then I tell her why don't you Come over here for a bit and then she chimes in saying I have plans your the ones that doesn't have plans I say ya you said you were going to erics later she says well amy said they would come back this way whenever( they were in Belleville she didn't want to go) so I'm like Oky well have fun be careful so still not really sure what she's doing! I see she post a pic all dolled up saying waiting for to hoochies to come back this way! Like really no I'm not jealous that she's hanging out with someone other than myself  Im upset one she knows I'm bored at home she could have invited Me were all friends two any time I go out I ask her to go just hurts my feelings!

Nannie(gma)

I'm back

Life lately has been kinda crazy the past month

My Nannie had a heart attack and had to have a five way bypass surgery June 13th(wow its been a month today) that was her 2nd heart attack she had one years back as well and almost didn't make it they had to bring her back to life. 

Let me tell you a little about my Nannie and our relationship

first off she me means the world to me she means more to me than anyone or anything!!!

she is the sweetest,most caring person i know she would do anything for anyone and i mean anyone shes the type of person that trys to give a person walking down the street a ride thank goodness she doesn't do that anymore, times aren't the way they used to be, anywho i have lived with my gma since i was 16 years old and even before that i was always with her, and i dk what i would do without her in my life!!!

So back to the surgery

after the surgery the doctors tell us(me and my mom)

that the surgery went well and that she should live a long life "if" she does what she is supposed to do by taking her meds right,eating right, and losing weight! so she comes home after two wks of being in the hospital. my mom my sister a few of my grandmas friends and I have to take care of her which is no big deal whatever it takes to get her healthy and back to normal! so were all weighting on her hand and foot,making her food,helping bathe her, just everything okay, the docs also told her she couldn't drive and she needed to rest and get better otherwise this surgery was useless so she laid around the house maybe 3 days tops then she having her friends come and get her and take her places or i would take her yes i would tell her no but she would get mad and i didn't want to upset her so i did it.. then she started not eating cookies and shit okay she has diabetes shes not supposed to have that kinda stuff!!

Wed. the July 11th

I come home on my lunch break from work and she has some bags packed i ask her where she is going she tell me to Jerrys( her bf... ill get back to him later)

so I'm like okay well have fun and be careful and i love you so i go back to work come home after work and she not here so I'm thinking shes gone already, I'm relaxing on the couch about twenty min later my phone rings its my nannie she tells me to come outside and get something so i go out there get it! i ask her do you have your cell phone,charger,all your meds, her nebulizer(she also has severe asthma) she tells me yes so i tell her again i love you be careful ill see you in a couple days!

I go back inside and my mom calls(balling her eyes out and tell me you know Nannie moved out shes going to live in Picknyville with Jerry! Talk about freaking the hell out wtf my gma just left me that's not like her at all shes not supposed to going anywhere her health isn't good and to be an hr in half away from her family and not even tell us wtf she was doing so i have been freaking out and crying for days now its ridiculous this is not like her at all then she tell us yesterday that she was going to stay there for a wk stay here for a wk so we are all okay with that its better than not ever seeing her! Then she tells us that she has changed her mind shes going to live her life out there which might only be for a few years because she isnt doing what she is supposed to do! i don't understand it at all me and my mom have told her Nannie your going to live that far away with a man that just got divorced a few months ago

Lets talk about this Jerry guy!!!

My gma has been in love with him since she was 16 and they were going to run off together until my great gpa caught them  well within the past year or so she started talking to him again and he was coming around the house and stuff and i just don't really care for him hes a cheater for one hes been married four times hes controlling hes just not right for my gma and i have tried to tell her that they're not 16 anymore things have changed! i dont think he loves her i think that hes just lonely i mean his wife just left him(hes not used to that hes the one that leaves) he has always dated younger women i mean what does he want with my nannie!!!  i have never gone over a wk without seeing her and dont want to i want her to be happy and she can live with him if she wants but move closer not that damn far away!!! ppl are not understanding and act like everything is going to be fine but its not i will not be able to just walk in her room and hug her and tell her i love her whenever i want its going to be like she is gone like she has died and i hate this feeling im starting to cry again so im going to end it here i just want my nannie home!!!!!



Day L lost chances

Day L Lost chances

well i don't really think i have lost any chances at anything i guess because i don't regret anything because at one point in time i enjoyed what i was doing and i pretty much live day by day not sure if that really makes any sense but that me i don't make sense half of the time and some of friends get pissy but i wouldn't be me if i wasn't so ditzy so then i guess one of the things that i would consider being a lost chance was paying more attention in school when i did go and did my homework i guess that's really all!!!!



Random

This wk has been good and its only going to get better i know its only Wed. But i must say that i started working out on Monday at he new Cahokia fitness center... i did four miles on the bike Monday and some leg and arm work outs and then Tuesday i did two miles and some more lag and arm work outs lets just say my legs are sore hahah this is wk two of no soda pretty excited about that I'm ready to get my skinny on =) Ive been eating a little better but i get some cravings sometimes that i need to get over mehhh if i just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end! 

I'm so ready for Saturday mardi gras with some of my lovely friends i so cant wait eeeekkkk its going to be a great time.... thank goodness i have Monday off it will give me to days to recover hahah 

day k - kiss and tell!!

                                                                      Kiss and tell

How old were you when you had your first kiss? I believe i was 13

Were you kissing someone who was also a first time kisser? i doubt it actually prob not!

The last person you kissed, did it mean anything? umm i mean i kinda have a crush on the guy but don't ever really talk to him but its not a big deal!

The first person you kiss was it awkward? Yes def because after we kissed he tried doing other things and i wasn't down for that!!

Are you an experienced kisser? umm well i have been told by and couple people that im one of the best kissers they have ever kissed so i guess i am!!!

Have you ever kissed in the rain? Ya to be honest its not all cracked up as people make it!!

Is there someone out there you want to kiss, but haven't yet? does channning tatum count lol

Do you like to kiss in public? or is it a private thing? I like to kiss so no its not a private thing i mean as long as I'm not like making out with the person for like ever and were getting like touchy feely i don't see the problem.

Do you miss anyone that's a part of your kissing history? I mean ya a couple ppl actually

Where did your most meaningful kisses take place? umm i dk i have kissed prob 20 ppl most of them didn't really mean anything so i really dk i would prob say at kyles house but then again i dk if anything he ever said he really meant so i guess they didn't mean anything to me they did but i dk next question lol.

Still talk to the first person you kissed? ummm no not really when i see him walking down the street we wave to each other but that's about it lol i kinda try to forget that i even kissed him lol

Do you prefer to kiss with lipstick or bare lips? i don't ever wear lipstick im more of a chap stick kinda gal! and it doesn't matter but the majority of the time i have chap stick on!