It's been awhile

Okay so its been awhile since I  have blogged... or expressed my feelings!

So I have been an emotional wreck which isn't anything new (god I really need to go get on some meds) so I'm 25 and I feel like my life isn't going anywhere I mean I still live at home I'm single I don't have any kids which is one of the main reasons why I have been depressed I feel like its never going to happen..... I want a baby these past couple months everyone is having baby's and its sad because I want one bad... crazy hearing myself say that...I dk know If I can even have baby's there could have been many times I could have been pregnant not that I have sex on the regular but still ugh its kinda frustrating... and no I'm not trying to get pregnant but if it happens it happens but then again I need to find a bf and have sex on a regular bases lol

Another thing that I just got upset about was I text my best friend during the week and asked her what she was doing this weekend she said nothing planned so I mentioned to her about going out tomorrow which is Saturday night because I knew she had to be  at work Saturday morning (last time we went out she was late for work so didn't think she's would do that again)and she said maybe so I thought okay maybe she's not wanting to go out  nothing else was ever said about it so then tonight I talk to her and she says that Amy and Britt. Call her and ask her to come out with them but didn't know if she wanted to go so a few hrs go by I ask her if she's going out she says no not out but to her brothers later so were talking and I'm saying how I'm bored and thanks for the invite hinting around to her asking me to go with her so then I tell her why don't you Come over here for a bit and then she chimes in saying I have plans your the ones that doesn't have plans I say ya you said you were going to erics later she says well amy said they would come back this way whenever( they were in Belleville she didn't want to go) so I'm like Oky well have fun be careful so still not really sure what she's doing! I see she post a pic all dolled up saying waiting for to hoochies to come back this way! Like really no I'm not jealous that she's hanging out with someone other than myself  Im upset one she knows I'm bored at home she could have invited Me were all friends two any time I go out I ask her to go just hurts my feelings!

Nannie(gma)

I'm back

Life lately has been kinda crazy the past month

My Nannie had a heart attack and had to have a five way bypass surgery June 13th(wow its been a month today) that was her 2nd heart attack she had one years back as well and almost didn't make it they had to bring her back to life. 

Let me tell you a little about my Nannie and our relationship

first off she me means the world to me she means more to me than anyone or anything!!!

she is the sweetest,most caring person i know she would do anything for anyone and i mean anyone shes the type of person that trys to give a person walking down the street a ride thank goodness she doesn't do that anymore, times aren't the way they used to be, anywho i have lived with my gma since i was 16 years old and even before that i was always with her, and i dk what i would do without her in my life!!!

So back to the surgery

after the surgery the doctors tell us(me and my mom)

that the surgery went well and that she should live a long life "if" she does what she is supposed to do by taking her meds right,eating right, and losing weight! so she comes home after two wks of being in the hospital. my mom my sister a few of my grandmas friends and I have to take care of her which is no big deal whatever it takes to get her healthy and back to normal! so were all weighting on her hand and foot,making her food,helping bathe her, just everything okay, the docs also told her she couldn't drive and she needed to rest and get better otherwise this surgery was useless so she laid around the house maybe 3 days tops then she having her friends come and get her and take her places or i would take her yes i would tell her no but she would get mad and i didn't want to upset her so i did it.. then she started not eating cookies and shit okay she has diabetes shes not supposed to have that kinda stuff!!

Wed. the July 11th

I come home on my lunch break from work and she has some bags packed i ask her where she is going she tell me to Jerrys( her bf... ill get back to him later)

so I'm like okay well have fun and be careful and i love you so i go back to work come home after work and she not here so I'm thinking shes gone already, I'm relaxing on the couch about twenty min later my phone rings its my nannie she tells me to come outside and get something so i go out there get it! i ask her do you have your cell phone,charger,all your meds, her nebulizer(she also has severe asthma) she tells me yes so i tell her again i love you be careful ill see you in a couple days!

I go back inside and my mom calls(balling her eyes out and tell me you know Nannie moved out shes going to live in Picknyville with Jerry! Talk about freaking the hell out wtf my gma just left me that's not like her at all shes not supposed to going anywhere her health isn't good and to be an hr in half away from her family and not even tell us wtf she was doing so i have been freaking out and crying for days now its ridiculous this is not like her at all then she tell us yesterday that she was going to stay there for a wk stay here for a wk so we are all okay with that its better than not ever seeing her! Then she tells us that she has changed her mind shes going to live her life out there which might only be for a few years because she isnt doing what she is supposed to do! i don't understand it at all me and my mom have told her Nannie your going to live that far away with a man that just got divorced a few months ago

Lets talk about this Jerry guy!!!

My gma has been in love with him since she was 16 and they were going to run off together until my great gpa caught them  well within the past year or so she started talking to him again and he was coming around the house and stuff and i just don't really care for him hes a cheater for one hes been married four times hes controlling hes just not right for my gma and i have tried to tell her that they're not 16 anymore things have changed! i dont think he loves her i think that hes just lonely i mean his wife just left him(hes not used to that hes the one that leaves) he has always dated younger women i mean what does he want with my nannie!!!  i have never gone over a wk without seeing her and dont want to i want her to be happy and she can live with him if she wants but move closer not that damn far away!!! ppl are not understanding and act like everything is going to be fine but its not i will not be able to just walk in her room and hug her and tell her i love her whenever i want its going to be like she is gone like she has died and i hate this feeling im starting to cry again so im going to end it here i just want my nannie home!!!!!



Day L lost chances

Day L Lost chances

well i don't really think i have lost any chances at anything i guess because i don't regret anything because at one point in time i enjoyed what i was doing and i pretty much live day by day not sure if that really makes any sense but that me i don't make sense half of the time and some of friends get pissy but i wouldn't be me if i wasn't so ditzy so then i guess one of the things that i would consider being a lost chance was paying more attention in school when i did go and did my homework i guess that's really all!!!!



Random

This wk has been good and its only going to get better i know its only Wed. But i must say that i started working out on Monday at he new Cahokia fitness center... i did four miles on the bike Monday and some leg and arm work outs and then Tuesday i did two miles and some more lag and arm work outs lets just say my legs are sore hahah this is wk two of no soda pretty excited about that I'm ready to get my skinny on =) Ive been eating a little better but i get some cravings sometimes that i need to get over mehhh if i just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end! 

I'm so ready for Saturday mardi gras with some of my lovely friends i so cant wait eeeekkkk its going to be a great time.... thank goodness i have Monday off it will give me to days to recover hahah 

day k - kiss and tell!!

                                                                      Kiss and tell

How old were you when you had your first kiss? I believe i was 13

Were you kissing someone who was also a first time kisser? i doubt it actually prob not!

The last person you kissed, did it mean anything? umm i mean i kinda have a crush on the guy but don't ever really talk to him but its not a big deal!

The first person you kiss was it awkward? Yes def because after we kissed he tried doing other things and i wasn't down for that!!

Are you an experienced kisser? umm well i have been told by and couple people that im one of the best kissers they have ever kissed so i guess i am!!!

Have you ever kissed in the rain? Ya to be honest its not all cracked up as people make it!!

Is there someone out there you want to kiss, but haven't yet? does channning tatum count lol

Do you like to kiss in public? or is it a private thing? I like to kiss so no its not a private thing i mean as long as I'm not like making out with the person for like ever and were getting like touchy feely i don't see the problem.

Do you miss anyone that's a part of your kissing history? I mean ya a couple ppl actually

Where did your most meaningful kisses take place? umm i dk i have kissed prob 20 ppl most of them didn't really mean anything so i really dk i would prob say at kyles house but then again i dk if anything he ever said he really meant so i guess they didn't mean anything to me they did but i dk next question lol.

Still talk to the first person you kissed? ummm no not really when i see him walking down the street we wave to each other but that's about it lol i kinda try to forget that i even kissed him lol

Do you prefer to kiss with lipstick or bare lips? i don't ever wear lipstick im more of a chap stick kinda gal! and it doesn't matter but the majority of the time i have chap stick on!

day j- junior high

junior high well lets see that's when i started gaining weight and i started going to wirth and hated it lol so i switched schools and started going to fort bowman academy it was a charter school i loved it at first because it was so small and i was really good friends with the principles daughter at the time so i didn't ever have to do anything lol we would just go shopping and goof off all day that was my 7th grade year and then 8th grade year was a diff story me and the the girl i was friends with so she made my life a living hell i even got held back a year because at that school is was only 20 kids per class and the girl i was friends with well she had a crush on a boy that didnt go to that school at that time and so he could get it they held me back ya bull shit but wasn shit i could do about it so my 2nd 8th grade year as i call it is when i met one of my bffs taryn she was a new student and came towards the end of the year and all the girls hated her because she was new and pretty and all the guys liked her :) so they were all bitches besides me of coarse i loved her lol Junior high was also when my little sis was born so i didn't do much because i had this little cute baby in my life and because i watched her alot and took care of her so ya junior high was okay i guess lol

Day I illegal post

Ummm the only thing i have ever really done that was illegal has been drinking underage or maybe driving without a license and getting a thousand dollar ticket one time because i was trying to help a friend out at the time what had happened was me and a girl u used to hang out with her name was itzel and we stopped at a store down the street from my house she had her license and the time all i had was my permit well she was driving we stop at the store to get ciggs(okay maybe thats another thing i did that was illegal was buy cigs when i was underage) well i come out of the store after i buy the cigs and shes gone she leaves her car running shes walking up the street crying so i jump in her car to follow her i didnt even make it a mile and got pulled over for not having my head lights on stupid on my part but hey i could still see hahah so ya we never really hung out after that because her parents were mad because she got a ticket as well but hey i was just trying to help a friend!!!!

Day H-

Hello Guest Blogger

When Jess asked me to be her guest blogger I was so excited!!!

I haven't known Jess forever, but we've became best friends over the past few month!

I love this girl to death!

I suppose I'll do like every other guest blogger post I've ever read, and tell you some random facts about myself.

1. If I could wear Jeans and Tshirts everyday, It'd be a good good world!!!

2. My parents have been divorces for 15 years. and honestly I wouldn't change anything about it!

3. Purple is my favorite color!

4. I like to sew.  I'm just learning how to do it, but I love it!!!!

5.  I have like 5 BEST friends!!!

love each and everyone of them!!!

They complete me!

6.  That being said, I really don't like girls!

hate em.

Never have really been able to stand them!!!

7. Playing Super Mario on Wii with Connor gives me horrible anxiety!!!

Can't stand to even watch him play!

8.  I have the worst luck ever with phones.

I don't drop them or anything

They just quit working.

9.  I bought my first real pair of skinny jeans a week ago...

and have worn them twice!!!

LOVE EM.

10.  I hate sweets!

There gross!

I mean really..

GROSS!!!!

Love You Jess!!!!


Thank you Kati J for being my guest blogger I love you and im glad that we have became best friends over the past few months your a great person and you crack me up!!! love ya girl!!!

Day G

Growing by leaps and bounds!!! 

Oreo

oreo when we first got him

Him in the dryer!!

My Cat Oreo i have had him for about Four years now i believe i found him at my moms when he was just a little kitten and brought him to my g mas it was just me and her at the time... she was in the hospital around her b day and i told her that i had a surprise for her it was her coming home and b day present but she wanted no part of him until she came home of coarse and seen this little fur ball!!! 

Him in the dryer again

Hes so nosy looking in my purse!

In my closet

in a plastic bag

He def. has a sense of humor  he is an ass at times he doesn't like to really be loved on every once in a while but not to often! he will not drink water out of a bowl he drinks it out of the bathroom faucet (never heard of that in my life) hes a weirdo he likes to sleep all day and then at night he goes outside and Romes! when he is hungry he will go in my room and i call it screaming but its this real loud meow he does i dk all i can say is hes crazy but hes my baby!!!

day f- fast forward 5 years

In five years i will be 30 years old wow thats crazy i would hope that i will find a guy that will change my outlook on relationships that i will not be living in cahokia or with my mother and that i will make enough money to make it on my own....i hope that i will at least be 60 lbs smaller i believe thats all!!!!

Day E- Explain to me why

Explain to why I'm not sure what to put  here lol ummm i do but i don't want to get on that topic.... so explain to me why cant i just come across a big chunk of money so i can get a new car so i cant move so i could stop stressing about being broke so i could go out and do the things i wanna do!!!

Explain to me why there are such ignorant people out there why is this world so crazy what goes through people minds these days that make them do the things they do like kill ppl,rape ppl,steal, i dk its just crazy how people are i mean you don't come out of the wound being this way someone had to tell your or teach you these bad things i just don't get it!!!

Explain to me why i should be cleaning instead of on this laptop but i don't feel like it lol

day d- did you know

Did you know that i have only had sex with four people and i lost my virginity when i was 17 and im 24 years old now and the longest i have went without sex has been like two years i dk why i started this off with sex maybe because i haven't had any in over a year lol hahah i dont have sex with just random ppl either i mean if i am having sex with you im pretty much in a relationship with you thats just me not saying anything bad about the ppl that do it or anything.... only 1 guy has ever seen me completely naked( i was alot smaller back then and it was six years ago) and its one of them four ppl i had sex with im not comfortable with my body and when i look in the mirror naked  it grosses me out so why would i want anyone else to see  me naked!!!  I have ugly scars on my body in secret places and dont wont people to see them!!

Did you know that i used to be one of the skinniest kids in my class's until about 7th grade i used to actually be to skinny and now look at me im as big as a house right now and that biggest ive ever been a year in a half ago i was the smallest i had been in a prob about 5 years and i put it all back on and bigger than i have ever been i know i just said that but o well  i actually am getting info on the lap band and waiting for some paper work to come in the mail and see if  i qualify hopefully i do!!!!

Have a good day everyone!!!!!

day c- credit a friend

So everyone knows that my best friend is rhianna louis we have been friends for 14 years now i have no idea what i would do without her in my life we have our ups in our down our crys and laughs we sometimes go days wks we even went about a year (it was about 6 years ago and it will never happen again)  without talking but its nothing that we cant ever fix and its like we started back where we left off i know that she will always be there for me even if she doesn't agree with the choices i make and i will always be there for her thats just how it is shes three years younger that me but is more responsible that most thirty or forty year olds shes one of the smartest people i know and has a good head on her shoulders...she went to college has a degree in vet tech she loves her job shes loves animals more than she loves people i guess thats why she picked that field lol she just recently bought a new car she plans on moving to Missouri soon i will prob cry we have never been farther than five min away from each other We have so many memories together and alot more to come we can look at each other or say just one word and no what each other are saying people say we talk in a code or something but we dont think so i guess thats what happens when you have been friends for so long we know eachother like the back of our hands! i know everyone has best friends but mine truly is the best shes more like a sister than anything I love you rhianna sue louis!!!!!!

Day B- bloggers blast

I just started blogging because my friend kati j was talking about it and i actually have blogged before but on tumblr not here.... i like being able to get everything out and off my chest but at times its no so easy to type/write down so im going to try it! so thank you kati for bringing me to a whole new world hahha love you whoreeee!!!

Day a- about Me

1. Where do i Live  - I live in a small town that used to be really nice but now people consider it the ghetto and im not going to disagree with them its def isn't very safe anymore =( .



2. Are you married - No im not married and at the rate im not sure if i will ever be i mean 10 years ago i figured i would be married by time i was 24



3. Do you have children - No and same as number 3 i figured i would by now but then again im not where im at financially in my life so i guess its a good thing i don't huh lol.



4. Are you an only child -I have a eleven year old little sister who i want to beat at time she drives me nuts but i dk what i would do without her in my life



5. What is your dream job - Is is sad that i don't have one? i try to live day by day



6. What is your best quality - umm i would prob. say that its im always there for my friends when they need me!

7. What is your worst quality - That i cant save money


8. Are you a wall flower or attention seeker - Depends on my mood but i would say most if the time im a attention seeker =)



9. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be - Def. somewhere thats warm and that doesnt snow i hate the snow....



10. What is something people don't know about you - I dont think that there is anything that someone doesnt know about me but alot of people dont know that i have never( cant believe im saying this but that i have never had an orgasm eeek

Fickle me!

Doesn't understand why I lay here at night and think about you. I shouldn't you should be the last thing on my mind! I mean we weren't together that long and we have been broken up for way longer than we were ever together.The way you jump from gf to gf makes me sick it makes me feel disgusting because you knows how many there were before me considering all the ones you have had after! But for some reason I still care about you and a part of me still wishes we were together but im not sure if its just because im lonely I dk but I wish these feelings would go away!!
Im so fickle one minute I want to be in a relationship because I miss it I miss the cuddling every night I miss the kisses I miss the fact of being with someone and not being the lonely girl and being seen out in public with us flirting and the single ppl saying aww look at them I want that!! Now its the opposite im the one seeing the cute couples saying I wish that was me..... Then other days I don't want to be in a relationship because I feel its not worth it...its not worth being hurt its not worth falling in love and then it all crumbling... call me crazy but I feel that 90% of ppl in a relationship are not happy with the person their with they stay together because thats all they know because they have been together so long I feel that either one of them is cheating or they stay together because of kids sake or financial reasons I hate having this outlook on relationships I really do!!

kati j

im getting this just for you and i still cant reall figure this shit one ill have to mess with it more tomorrow love you!!!!