Baby boy

So we found out about two weeks ago that we're have a baby boy even though I wanted a girl since Dustin already has two boys I'm still excited....we've also decided on a name Graysen.... it's a battle right now with his middle name but we'll figure it out.... I also believe I felt him kick Today for the first time at almost 22 week's :)

It's been forever

So it's been forever since I've blogged figured why not start doing it again.... my life has changed so much in the past 16 months.... I dk where to even start.... who am I kidding I do...
Let's start off with the love of my life Dustin Byars and how we met... I got a message on pof from him and of course thought to myself he lives an hr in a half away and here's to another guy I'm going to talk to for a few days and hes going to try to talk me into meeting him within the first week and ask me to send him naked pictures of myself and when I refuse that would be the end of it.... but it wasn't like that at all we talked everyday all day for a few weeks and then eventually when I was ready talked on the phone... we talked about anything and everything he told me from the beginning that he had two boys and was still married but they were separated.... eventually after about three weeks of him still showing interest and not being a creep I agreed to meet him so he drove an hr in a half away to meet me at Jeffersons  in Belleville and let's just say it started off with me being five hrs late and him sitting in a parking lot waiting on me... hahah I was nervous as heck and figured after I was 30 min late he would just leave... and I wouldn't have to go through with it but no he waited FIVE HRS IN A PARKING LOT.... so I went through with it nervous as hell but I went through with it I pull up in the parking lot and there is he is in this clean Chrysler 300 he got out I hugged him and he smelled so good.... we sat down and I ordered a salad and a water and he ordered a big ass bacon cheese burger plain with fries.... he talked and I Listened And Played with my dangley bracelet non stop became I was so nervous.... The meal was like $20 hey I'm a cheap date well then I was... lol he tip the waitress $20 I thought to myself he must have money who the hell tips the waitress 20 when our meal was only 20 anyways then after we ate I sat in his car with him for a bit and we talked and he made me cry(yes on our first date) some how we got on the subject about my past and it made me choke up... then when it was time for me to go he leaned in and kissed me I kissed him back like I would Kiss my gma(his words) lips shut and real quick I was nervous.... our date only lasted an hr or so... he sat in the parking lot longer than our date lasted lol.... he made it official that night too 10/27/2013 I think he was scared someone else was going to get to me first lol.... so i go home and tell my mom sister and gma all about my date I'm sure they knew it went good because of how giddy I was... the next day he sent me flowers to work and then the following day we went on our second date I met him at Jeffersons again and he drove us to lottawatta creek and then went to the mall because he said my phone case was junk and I needed a new one so he bought me a otter box then we sat in the parking lot of the mall and talked for a while and then I went home... a few days later it was the weekend and he wanted me to meet him dad step mom and brother and stay with him... so he came and got me and met my mom sister and gma so we he drove me to salem to meet them and me him and his brother watched the conjuring and after the movie me and dustin laid in his bed and talked and cuddled and then made out and just enjoyed each others company  I felt like a teenager well he was supposed to go to work and he was going to take me home but I wasn't ready to go home yet either so he said why don't we get a hotel room and stay there he didn't want his dad knowing he was calling off work so that's what we did he got us a hotel room and that's when I gave it up such such a whore of me lol giving it up so quickly... it was all my fault too... he didn't try to pressure me or anything we stayed at the hotel all wkend long I know in a previous blog I had posted that I I never had a orgasam so I have to add that he gave me my first one... and then after that he couldn't get enough of me(not my vagina either) he was driving to come and get me every other day or few days at first and then it turned into a everyday thing... but we couldn't get enough of each other we wanted to see each other everyday....  About a month after being together I found out I was pregnant eekkk I never thought I could have kids and we hadn't been together that long but I didn't care we were excited so then we decided that we would move into together so I found us a apartment and he moved to Cahokia around the beginning of December.... yes I know we were moving pretty quickly we had only been together for not even two months and I was pregnant and we were moving in together but we were happy and that's all that mattered.... when I I was about three weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage.... we were both very upset he took it harder than I did.... I think it was because it hadn't really hit me yet that I was actually pregnant.... but we dealt with it.... In February his ex decided to let the kids Kaiden and Kylen come stay with us so I got to meet them for the very first time of course they didn't really have much to do with me which is understandable they didn't understand what was going On and they hadn't seen there dad in awhile because she wouldn't let them... they stayed the wkend with us we took them to get frozen yogurt and and played xbox.... Dustin took them back home and when he came back I could tell how hard it was on him not being able to see them all the time... Over the next few months we had our ups and downs... we were struggling trying to pay our bills dustin had went through three jobs tiffany (his ex) was trying to make our lives a living hell especially his not letting him see the kids and just doing everything she could to try and break us apart... spring came and she filled for divorce we didn't have the money to get him a lawyer so that's why he didn't file.... Summer came and dustin started working for a cable company working six days a week fifteen hr days I never got to see him so things got hard for us we started arguing more and we're both depressed couldn't catch up on our bills couldn't see the kids didn't get to see each other.... In July we decided that he was going to move back home to salem and I was going to move in with my dad because we couldn't afford our apartment and bills and it was really breaking him down not seeing his kids just writing this is making me teary-eyed it was very hard on both of us to be and hr away from each other again. .. we would go weeks without seeing each other and I was very depressed I cried all the time I was miserable I just wanted to be with him everyday.... it was rough I started looking for a job in salem because he wasn't moving back to Cahokia it was to hard on him being away from the boys which I totally understood...so we continued to not see each other hardly and when we did it was so hard for me to leave eventually his mom started to come and get me every wkend and in October I applied for a job at a hospital in salem and a few weeks later I got the job so I put my two weeks in at atrium and told my family that I was moving to salem they of course wasn't excited about it because they didn't want me leaving but I had to do what was going to make me happy... and that was being able to see my bf everyday so the end of October I started my new journey new town new job...His mom and step dad let me move in with them until we could find out own place.... it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be I wasn't getting to see dustin all the time because be was living with his dad and I couldn't stay there alot and there wasn't anywhere for both of us to sleep at his mom's.... I was sleeping on the couch or on a air mattress.... I was missing my family.... I felt a lone...Around Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant again I went home to visit and to tell my mom sister and nannie.... my visit home wasn't very pleasant my mom treated me like crap and I missed dustin the entire time I was there... In January dustins divorce was finalized he got a lawyer because tiffany and hers kept fucking him.... I couldn't be Happier that's it's over.... I continued to live with his mom and sleep on the couch and air mattress I finally told dustin I couldn't keep doing that we had to get an Apartment so we Saved up and Here I am laying in our bed in our apartment Almost 17 weeks Pregnant writing this blog.... I couldn't be happier I get to sleep next to the love of my life every night and I'll be a mommy the end of July....Things are still hard.... we're still struggling with money we don't hardly get to see each other because lately we've both been working so much were both extremely tired but after everything we've been through these past 16 months I Don't think anything can break us!!!

Emotional wreck....

So lets play catch up I went to the doctor in January

Dr. Collantes in Columbia he seems legit

anyways he subscribed me Lexapro 10 mg for my depression and anxiety(the reason I was going to the doc) well I took it for a couple wks I was still depressed and crying all the time so he up me to 20 mg still didn't work so then he put me on wellbutrin don't know what the mg was...still nothing so now he has me on wellbutrin xl 300 mg well im still crying and depressed all the time while in the mean time I have been seeing a therapist...but its hard to explain to her why I am depressed I have told her some things but some stuff I dk how to say I guess...The anxiety part of the pill is def. helping just isn't helping my depression!

 

Reasons why I am depressed

I feel as if my mother has never really been there for me and im not talking about materialistic things just emotionally and physically shes always cared more about herself and who she was with at the time and has always put them first.. of coarse If you ask her that's not true.. Ive never really been able to talk to my mom, yes I pretty much tell her everything but she always blows it off ..but yeah I am trying to be here for her as much as I can and doing so and what she is going through at the moment is making me more depressed...she has not been to work since the second wk of Jan. she had a nervous break down and has been seeing a therapist and was in out patient therapy at the hospital the and has been diagnose with ptsd(post traumatic stress disorder ) all of these is caused because of her boss... she is supposted to be getting short term disability but dk whats going to happen there because he has fired her which he cant do because she is on medical....so therefore she doesn't have any kind of income coming in besides the money that she gets from my sisters dad for child support and The little money that her fiancée gives her...if I could held her I would but I am broke as hell trying to pay my own bills and still having to borrow money from her and my gma to get gas a ciggs so yeah that's another reason why im depressed because im so broke...

next reason why I am depressed which I believe that I have mentioned in another post im ready for kids im and I feel like in the next five years or so I should be having kids...im not in a relationship with anyone or having sex and don't know if I ever will be or if I even want to be....somedays I do and somedays I don't I dk a sperm donor would be just fine lol and I know that right now isn't the right time because Im not where I need to be financially but when is the right time?

I mean I dk if I will ever be financially stable I mean is anyone?

Why do I wait so long to blog again I dk!

So I dk why I wait so long to post I guess I have to be in the mood! I dk maybe if I had more followers I would post more who knows...anywho life has actually been pretty good latley! No love life but that's okay...it will happen one day(I hope =\) so everything with me is okay my mom is having a hard time right now so I'm trying to be here for her as much as I can and do my best....

So I know Ive said this a million times but starting next week I'm going to start eating healthier and doing some exercise I have to lose weight its horrible!

I've also decided that I'm not going to let people walk all over me and treat me like crap... I'm a very caring person and try to do whatever I can for people especially my friends but Am no longer going to put up with peoples bs I don't need people like that in my life and apparently you don't want Me in yours other wise you wouldn't say and act the way you do!  You lose some and win some! :)  and I must say it actually feels good not having you in my life its quite a relief =\

I have a doctor appointment next week hopefully I can get some meds and kick this depression and anxiety to the curb well I'm sure it won't ever go away but it will help! 

Well I'm going to end it hear back to work I go hopefully I find and receive some more followers.... I'm going to start trying to blog more! 

Peace and chicken grease ♡

It's been awhile

Okay so its been awhile since I  have blogged... or expressed my feelings!

So I have been an emotional wreck which isn't anything new (god I really need to go get on some meds) so I'm 25 and I feel like my life isn't going anywhere I mean I still live at home I'm single I don't have any kids which is one of the main reasons why I have been depressed I feel like its never going to happen..... I want a baby these past couple months everyone is having baby's and its sad because I want one bad... crazy hearing myself say that...I dk know If I can even have baby's there could have been many times I could have been pregnant not that I have sex on the regular but still ugh its kinda frustrating... and no I'm not trying to get pregnant but if it happens it happens but then again I need to find a bf and have sex on a regular bases lol

Another thing that I just got upset about was I text my best friend during the week and asked her what she was doing this weekend she said nothing planned so I mentioned to her about going out tomorrow which is Saturday night because I knew she had to be  at work Saturday morning (last time we went out she was late for work so didn't think she's would do that again)and she said maybe so I thought okay maybe she's not wanting to go out  nothing else was ever said about it so then tonight I talk to her and she says that Amy and Britt. Call her and ask her to come out with them but didn't know if she wanted to go so a few hrs go by I ask her if she's going out she says no not out but to her brothers later so were talking and I'm saying how I'm bored and thanks for the invite hinting around to her asking me to go with her so then I tell her why don't you Come over here for a bit and then she chimes in saying I have plans your the ones that doesn't have plans I say ya you said you were going to erics later she says well amy said they would come back this way whenever( they were in Belleville she didn't want to go) so I'm like Oky well have fun be careful so still not really sure what she's doing! I see she post a pic all dolled up saying waiting for to hoochies to come back this way! Like really no I'm not jealous that she's hanging out with someone other than myself  Im upset one she knows I'm bored at home she could have invited Me were all friends two any time I go out I ask her to go just hurts my feelings!

Nannie(gma)

I'm back

Life lately has been kinda crazy the past month

My Nannie had a heart attack and had to have a five way bypass surgery June 13th(wow its been a month today) that was her 2nd heart attack she had one years back as well and almost didn't make it they had to bring her back to life. 

Let me tell you a little about my Nannie and our relationship

first off she me means the world to me she means more to me than anyone or anything!!!

she is the sweetest,most caring person i know she would do anything for anyone and i mean anyone shes the type of person that trys to give a person walking down the street a ride thank goodness she doesn't do that anymore, times aren't the way they used to be, anywho i have lived with my gma since i was 16 years old and even before that i was always with her, and i dk what i would do without her in my life!!!

So back to the surgery

after the surgery the doctors tell us(me and my mom)

that the surgery went well and that she should live a long life "if" she does what she is supposed to do by taking her meds right,eating right, and losing weight! so she comes home after two wks of being in the hospital. my mom my sister a few of my grandmas friends and I have to take care of her which is no big deal whatever it takes to get her healthy and back to normal! so were all weighting on her hand and foot,making her food,helping bathe her, just everything okay, the docs also told her she couldn't drive and she needed to rest and get better otherwise this surgery was useless so she laid around the house maybe 3 days tops then she having her friends come and get her and take her places or i would take her yes i would tell her no but she would get mad and i didn't want to upset her so i did it.. then she started not eating cookies and shit okay she has diabetes shes not supposed to have that kinda stuff!!

Wed. the July 11th

I come home on my lunch break from work and she has some bags packed i ask her where she is going she tell me to Jerrys( her bf... ill get back to him later)

so I'm like okay well have fun and be careful and i love you so i go back to work come home after work and she not here so I'm thinking shes gone already, I'm relaxing on the couch about twenty min later my phone rings its my nannie she tells me to come outside and get something so i go out there get it! i ask her do you have your cell phone,charger,all your meds, her nebulizer(she also has severe asthma) she tells me yes so i tell her again i love you be careful ill see you in a couple days!

I go back inside and my mom calls(balling her eyes out and tell me you know Nannie moved out shes going to live in Picknyville with Jerry! Talk about freaking the hell out wtf my gma just left me that's not like her at all shes not supposed to going anywhere her health isn't good and to be an hr in half away from her family and not even tell us wtf she was doing so i have been freaking out and crying for days now its ridiculous this is not like her at all then she tell us yesterday that she was going to stay there for a wk stay here for a wk so we are all okay with that its better than not ever seeing her! Then she tells us that she has changed her mind shes going to live her life out there which might only be for a few years because she isnt doing what she is supposed to do! i don't understand it at all me and my mom have told her Nannie your going to live that far away with a man that just got divorced a few months ago

Lets talk about this Jerry guy!!!

My gma has been in love with him since she was 16 and they were going to run off together until my great gpa caught them  well within the past year or so she started talking to him again and he was coming around the house and stuff and i just don't really care for him hes a cheater for one hes been married four times hes controlling hes just not right for my gma and i have tried to tell her that they're not 16 anymore things have changed! i dont think he loves her i think that hes just lonely i mean his wife just left him(hes not used to that hes the one that leaves) he has always dated younger women i mean what does he want with my nannie!!!  i have never gone over a wk without seeing her and dont want to i want her to be happy and she can live with him if she wants but move closer not that damn far away!!! ppl are not understanding and act like everything is going to be fine but its not i will not be able to just walk in her room and hug her and tell her i love her whenever i want its going to be like she is gone like she has died and i hate this feeling im starting to cry again so im going to end it here i just want my nannie home!!!!!



Day L lost chances

Day L Lost chances

well i don't really think i have lost any chances at anything i guess because i don't regret anything because at one point in time i enjoyed what i was doing and i pretty much live day by day not sure if that really makes any sense but that me i don't make sense half of the time and some of friends get pissy but i wouldn't be me if i wasn't so ditzy so then i guess one of the things that i would consider being a lost chance was paying more attention in school when i did go and did my homework i guess that's really all!!!!